| fuck.. |
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| 07:38am 18/04/2008 |
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i can pretend like last night never happened too if that's what you're going to do...
but you were intoxicated which i wasn't so at least you have an excuse to back up your bull shit lies. i just look like an idiot... |
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| nothing special 'bout boys who smell like salami and boys who've never apologized... |
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| 01:53pm 14/04/2008 |
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Let's sail away
Find our own country
We'll build a house and beds out of palm trees
Let's get away
Let's push our lives aside
I'll sport a smile
Take in some color
Under the stars
I'll be your lover
With no distractions I'm gonna treat you right
Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break
Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away
Let's go to bed
Let's stop debating
Look at the time
We're always waiting
But we're in love
And that should be just fine
Well it seems like things are only getting better
Well it seems like we can never catch a break
Just keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away
And if you like
and if you like some other time
I would like to introduce you to the finer things
If we survive
If we survive, get out alive
I'd like to say how beautiful I think you...
Just a keep a hold on me don't let go
If you float away, if you float away
Waiting too long for a ship to come
Don't you float away, don't you float away
on another note:
Dear tim roderick,
you make me smile. :)
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| lurker... |
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| 10:37am 14/04/2008 |
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someone is creepin' my live journal...
dear said person:
i'm well aware of who you are. i can kind of narrow it down based on how you type and what you commented on. what is this? junior high? if you have something to say then say it and don't be afraid to tell me that it's you. you had to know i would know it was you... this is where i write. this is where i say things in eleberation. this is where things may or may not be based on truth. this is where i probably make you look like an asshole so you're lucky i don't use names. it's the internet. it's live journal. it's equivalent to a fairytale if you ask me. you are not real here. if you can't handle it then simply don't read it.
With Love,
Joyce
p.s. no hard feelings?
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| one year in....still not over this. |
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| 08:14am 14/04/2008 |
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divide your body. show me something. you can be two places at once. i've been two people at the same time too. that proves that it can happen. you have no idea where my mind is. don't act like you know. i've prentended as well as i could but i don't care enough anymore. i'm moving forward. i'm moving on. it was something for as long as it could be. i'm ok with that. another year will pass. two or three will come with that. who knows where i'll be when i'm 25 years in. life is at the beginning. but i'd be happy with half of you in it. all of me for a part of your being? isn't that a compromise? i can compensate for the part of you that's been missing....the part that i missed the most, that i loved the most....i'll continue to be your better half. |
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| 09:55am 11/04/2008 |
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night hours on some random holiday. why did we even celebrate? but i can't complain. still remembering the cool air sneaking in the windows. brushing our cheeks, rose pink and it shows. i'll take the wheel, because you need me, because you wanted it this way. i'm driving your car, you...intoxicated. you can't resist bringing your lips to mine everytime we get a minute at redlights. every so often they were turning green, us not noticing. finally peering behind to see the angry traffic waiting. you and i couldn't help but laughing. your eyes were looking sleepy baby, and you leaned against my side. traffic's thinning, we're getting there, a night like this, in a carefree atmosphere is what i live for. can we keep it going darling? i'm not a fan of the signs of stopping. i just want simplicity. i give it unmistakeably. no words of compromise, no lies, no neediness, no cries...just butterfly belly filled nights like this...my foot on the break, a smile laid across your face...and one more redlight kiss. |
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| 09:44am 11/04/2008 |
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where was your head when my heart was in your hands? |
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| not satisfied. |
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| 09:24am 07/04/2008 |
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dear you:
stop texting me at random hours of the night giving me false hopes telling me you want to see me and saying you don't understand why you haven't been able to for the last...umm i dunno??? 4 months! when i try with you, you run away. you talk a lot but you never do what you say. you told me to stop being so "tough" all of the sudden... i'm not being tough, i just don't expect anything from you anymore. you've gotten my hopes up too many times. i'm sick of it. I TOLD YOU I WAS DONE WAITING AROUND FOR YOU!!
dear you:
i'm starting to see what she meant...and she was completely right. bummer.
dear you:
i don't belong to you. i'm not yours. i'm nobody's property. don't be mad when you hear that i'm with other people. you don't have the right to yell at me, hang up on me, not answer my calls/texts for days on end when i can't make time for you. WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. stop treating me like your girlfriend. it scares me.
dear you:
you make me smile. this is new. you're moving fast though and i'm afraid that you'll end up just like the rest. take it a bit more slowly and maybe you won't frighten me. be easy and maybe i'll stick around.... i don't know if you seem like the type... don't ruin it. this is your warning.
sincerely,
joyce
p.s. you are a bunch of mother fuckers. |
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| fast paced race for a still object |
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| 08:49am 04/04/2008 |
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i’ve been known to make mistakes, to run my mouth, sper of the moment, when i honestly thought i felt that way. do you know how many people are in your shoes? i can’t pick and choose. win or lose, maybe i’m not worth the bruises. my emotions are so insincere. i’m a loner, baby, just leave me here. i’ve voiced it over and over loud and clear: don’t worry about me i’m always fine, i’m always fine...and i am. truth be told, i just don’t give a damn. you can give it a shot if you want but what’s the use if i’m impossible? what’s the use when i don’t give a fuck? rumor has it that i’m quite the catch... i don't know if i, myself believe it. but go ahead and play your game of fetch. let me stray passed the boundry of your fences. long ways away. somewhere in the distance. begin your chase and you may find that i tend to just...
stay......in......place..... |
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| 09:39am 28/03/2008 |
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spinning out of control.
spinning.
spinning.
spinning.
spinning.
i guess all i have left to do is brace myself...
and wait for the impact. |
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| 10:32am 24/03/2008 |
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my mind is fast-paced. there is so much going on inside me...too much.
but the world around me is so still.
i can't do this...i'm sorry. |
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| 08:04am 19/03/2008 |
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the idea is inviting....but there is so much wrong with it that i can't even begin to explain.
you must be out of your mind. |
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| 01:30pm 29/02/2008 |
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no, no...don't fret.
i'm happy.
the happiest, yet.
i'm really enjoying the friendships i'm making and the ones that have held strong. i'm really enjoying getting out and living life. i'm really enjoying smiling and laughing all the time and just honestly feeling something for once. my life is fun, but not perfect. i like it that way. everything is awesome and no one can bring me down. |
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| rehab |
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| 08:32am 08/02/2008 |
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i've been sitting on my hands for too long, baby.
biting my tongue and watching you go along....
if it's nights like these that you live for the high,
can i be what you take to get you by?
let me fade into some scattered ashes,
drag me in. enjoy me burning on your lips
i'll make you dizzy
if you let me
if you let me in
pretend it's just this one time
and addict's tragic lie.
and if it feels this good to inject me
maybe that'll be reason enough
not to quit me...
or you can sip me,
so painfully smooth
sailing down so bitterly
it's all part of my trickery
if i start off sweet
make you believe you're good for handling
all the things i may so harshly bring
maybe that'll keep me pumping through you. |
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| 11:54am 06/02/2008 |
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if i stay away,
things will get better.
if i stay away,
things will eventually pick up.
if i stay away,
i will be happy.
if i stay away,
i can make something else of myself.
if i stay away.
if i stay away.
if i stay away.
and i've stayed away...
but how do i steer clear of the thoughts?
i need a new path, but the old one looks so good to me.
so comforting...
temptation hurts like hell. |
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| 11:27am 28/01/2008 |
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99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standing pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
And here is a red balloon
I think of you, and let it go
... |
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| 12:57pm 25/01/2008 |
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single.
one.
just me...
yup, that sounds about right.
someone asked me the other day: "so how's the dating scene going?"
and i said: "eh, it's not really going at all..."
and this person continued on by telling me that i'm too picky and that i go after guys that show no interest in me because i like that sort of thing. he told me that i seem like the type of girl you can't win with because, once you show an interest in me, i give off the "ew, get away from me, you freak!" vibe. he said that i long for the triumph of getting the guy who seems hard to get...
but doesn't everyone kind of have that in them? it's a "want what you can't have", sort of thing. in my case, i don't think it's necessarily true. i was actually a little offended when i was told that i come off that way. who wants to be known as the girl who goes for guys that don't want her?? i'd look like a fool if i threw myself at every male that didn't actually have any interest in me. there's always something there right at first. i make sure of that. everything goes from there.
i haven't dated anyone, not because i'm too picky, but because i don't know what i want...and when i say i don't know what i want, i don't know what i mean by that because that sounds like i'm being picky.
blah blah blahhhhhhh |
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| 09:14am 18/08/2007 |
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it takes a lot to say i'd be lost without you....it takes a lot out of me to say i've made mistakes. i'm not sure if i'll ever be sure. i'm not sure if i'll ever make sense or feel right. i fell asleep last night at nine which is the earliest i've gone to bed on a friday night since...i can't remember when. i wish i could have slept this off....this feeling i have. i feel empty. my heart isn't in anything anymore. i came into work earlier than i needed to be... who ever does that anyway? i didn't mind being the only one here. i had time so i sat by the window and watched the plans take off from Logan. i need moments like that every once in a while. after an emotionally draining day, it's things like those that remind me that i'm still human. i'm breathing. my heart is still pumping the blood through my body. i'm warm. i'm alive. |
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| 01:43pm 08/06/2007 |
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sometimes it hits me. life? in the last couple of months it has turned itself around twice over. i've moved twice. the new place is actually starting to feel like home. i like living with shannon again and going through the same things as her. makes me feel like i'm not so alone. we've been taking care of each other. it's the little things that count. she makes me a key to the door while i'm out on job #3, i buy her ice cream when i get home. i've been working a lot lately which is obvious since i picked up a third job doing food deliveries in lowell. it's only for part of this month until school gets out because then i won't be teaching again until next school year.
i've made some really drastic choices and changes in my life. some i'm still trying to cope with....heal from...but somehow i think it's all going to be ok. everyday i think about it. i think about all the things i've done and said. i think about the friends i've made, the relationship that really meant something for once, and i think about where they are now. i can't put things on the back burner. that's not fair. so i'm hoping where i am not present or where i can't be, all is well without me.
i'm not trying to become a different person. i've always, for the most part, really like who i am and what makes me, me. i'm going through a rejuvination. i'm getting back to the basics. i get afraid that i'll slip though. it's happened before. so far so good with no predictable outlook yet. my heart is still in the same place it has been for the last few years, it just knows what it has to do now. but i honestly don't know what to do with my life. i'm hoping working so much will get me some extra cash to do with as i wish. something spontanious i hope. and i'm hoping that will be the slap in the face i get that says this is it...you're back in order. everything makes sense again. |
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| i hate.... |
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| 12:06pm 15/05/2007 |
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- when my boss makes me think i'm going to lose my job just because i don't have a completely clean record (just driving violations) and having to meet with the superintendant of the schools only to have her tell me that it's really not a big deal and she doen't really take my sort of cases seriously...
- when my cooridinator shows up 2 hours late for work and then the first words out of his mouth to me are: "i don't feel like being an asshole today because i'm in a good mood but...." and then he continues on to tell me that i can't sit on my ass all day because we're getting inspected soon....and then i remind him that i ate shit down my stairs like 2 days before, twisted both my ankles and don't have enough money to get them looked at so i'm trying to take it easy on my big purple, now CANKLES so as to not fuck them up anymore...
- when i eat shit down my stairs in my high heals...
- crying my eyes out all night and then puking for the rest of the night.
- how all my money is already spent for the next couple months due to my move, car problems and my excessive cell phone bills.
- when i get hit on at work...by my students....or creepy gym teachers...
- being so fucking stressed out i want to cry all the time and i feel like i get set off so easily.
- feeling like i'm stuck in life and i don't know what to do with myself.
- how everything feels lost...and i'm totally in the dark. |
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| time on my hands since you've been away... |
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| 01:19pm 11/05/2007 |
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i miss my home...i miss the people who used to take care of me, who love me more than i thought i could ever be loved. i miss my bed, my room, my comfort that i had there. i feel like i've made a mistake....but i know that this is needed to move forward. change. ew. |
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shesyourfever's journal